Here again...really?

  Everyone keeps telling me how great I'm doing considering and well, today I came to the conclusion I'm not doing ok at all. I'm sick with flu right now, feel beaten down, tired, stressed (wish there was a better word cause this seems overused) overwhelmed, discouraged amongst other things. Today I watched a movie half heartedly, wasn't really watching, but it came to a part where the family pet died and for some reason I just lost control and broke down, I cried for half an hour, I cried for banana bird, I cried for Fenn, I cried for myself and I just cried without really knowing why. I was aware I hadn't cried for a very very long time and it seemed like I just needed to. Now I am left in this weird feeling place. I wish I didn't have to worry about anything but Fenn right now, bills, groceries, getting dressed, making meals, you name it, I don't want to think about it.  I just want to be with Fenn.
  I know people just want to support us right now but its hard to accept help and it makes things feel real when I'm trying to ignore them. I feel like people think Fenn is on his deathbed or something when I see happy, playing, having fun, making us laugh almost all the time. He has come a long way since his first surgeries for sure, he's developing normal, like any normal 2 year old. I knew with his congenital defect there was a chance of things returning and possibilities of more surgeries because I'm one of those people who researches the heck of something. Over the past several months I watched moms from the support group I joined online going back with their kids after they thought they were done with these surgeries and I left the group because I just didn't want to think about it anymore. Since visiting the IWK and finding out about some other issues we didn't know where there (chiari malformation, small ventricles in his brain) now I am forced to consider more seriously what is in our future. To be honest, I just don't know. I'm trying my best to not think about it at all but its hard with all these concerned people around. It's like people are expecting bad news and I don't want to expect bad news, I want to expect a misdiagnosis or at the very least it doesn't need an operation. I can't imagine watching Fenn go through this again.
  All I know is right now I just want to be locked up in my house with no danger of seeing anyone. I realize this is unrealistic but it's how I feel. It's not personal, I just can't be forced to talk about Fenn right now, I just want to enjoy this next week and a half with my baby and with all of us as a family. Mike will be staying in Ontario to find work because he was unable to find work that could support us here, not ideal for Fenn, but it needs to be done.
 I just don't know what to say anymore, my stomach is in knots, my head hurts, I'm sad for my baby, I can't concentrate on anything right now.